


Tomorrow will be kinder

by Jackb



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorder (mention), F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Ninth Centred, Not together yet but almost is you prefers, Polyamory, Pre-Slash, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, don't at me, self-indulgent fic, you can eventually read it with ten in mind instead of nine but the story is made to fit with nine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackb/pseuds/Jackb
Summary: The ninth Doctor has difficulty to cope after what he did during the Time-war, but thankfully, he is not alone anymore.





	Tomorrow will be kinder

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic and put a lot of care into it for myself because I needed it, and wanted it done my way. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also english is not my first language, I accept every and any criticism on my writing, harsh or not as long as you help me understand what is wrong. Basically, help me get better ; )

« You’re not coming ? » Rose asked surprised and a bit disappointed.

« Nah, I’ve stuff to do. » The Doctor response was far too evasive to work, he knew it, especially with this tone.

« Like what ? Can’t it wait ? At least have dinner with us, you know my mom always cook for a regiment. »

« Your mom food ? Nah I pass, ship repair, boring stuff, it should be all fixed when you come back. »

« Come on Rose, you know he just want some time alone with his ship. » Jack joked which dragged a smile from Rose. She stared at the Doctor for a moment, wondering if she should push or leave it. He seemed busy, pushing a button here, a lever there, not quite paying attention to them so she decided to leave it.

« Alright, well, pop whenever you want if you change your mind. »

« Don’t think so. » He answered, tinkering on the console.

Jack leaned closer to her and whispered.

« You know I think he just.. » He moved his hand up and down miming masturbation and winked at her. Rose giggled.

« Come on ! » She gave him a little tap on the shoulder. « Oh maybe he is too loud to do it when we’re around. » She whispered.

They laughed louder, proud of their little dirty joke.

« What is it ? » The Doctor asked unaware of what they just said, they turned toward him and continued to giggle.

« Don’t leave without us. » Rose said as she pushed the door of the TARDIS, closely followed by the captain.

« No chance ! » He replied with a smile.

Both humans got out of the TARDIS, London, 21st century. Rose had wanted a little family visit after their grueling and challenging last travel. She had just felt the need for a little pause. It wouldn’t last long though, she would run back in no time for new adventure. Three days maximum he bet as he watched them leave.

The door closed and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His mind agitated as relief pushed away his restrain and anxiety. He knows perfectly well he shouldn’t stay here alone, he should follow them, keep his mind distracted with company, but the freedom of isolation feel too good for his craving vices. It crawls under his skin, a pressure, a need. One he searched to avoid and wanted to fulfill for so long now. The TARDIS know, she can feel it too, it’s like a toxin.

The light in the console room goes lower on a pink-reddish tone, she disapproves with a rumble as he waits a moment just to be sure they wouldn’t come back. He lied to them, well, not exactly, the TARDIS do need reparation, but it wouldn’t take him more than ten minutes he could easily join them, but he won’t.

When he is sure they wouldn’t come back he leaves deeper inside. The low growl of the TARDIS follow him close. She reorganizes herself making him fall into loop and presenting room to him that might help him distract from his urge, which is not to please the Doctor.

« I’m fine. » He snaps, proving he is not, actually, fine and her machinery click back at him.

They know each other well, and she barely manage to have some advance on him. She can follow his mind, he doesn’t care what form it will take, he just need to unleash which make her task more complicated, because there are so many ways he can think of to hurt himself.

« You know in the end I will win. So just, let me.. » He breath, frustrated, more by himself than by his ship.

He is failing. Months he hadn’t done anything, since Rose arrived actually, and it was fine, he was fine or held the illusion he was. Distraction only works a time, smile and laugh can’t fully heal deeply rotted wound. It’s just a painkiller but the damage is still behind, throbbing, oozing, breaking every of his success to piece. Nothing he does his enough, or will ever be enough, he can’t atone for what he did after all, nobody could.

The TARDIS know she can’t stop him. In the end, like he said, he will win. He would return anything and everything against him. She could trap him in endless corridors and he would never stop walking until exhaustion. He could refuse to eat anything and let himself stave or engulf as much food as he can and more until he has to throw up because he is too full, it wouldn’t be a difficult task as he already doesn’t eat much, he mostly follows his companion, if they eat, he eats, even if sometimes he has to force himself to. He doesn’t see his hunger until they mention their own.

On the same idea, he could push on his insomnia, see how long he can hold without sleep, but the thing is, he just wishes to shut it all down. Force his mind to stop. He would, but it’s not the best idea, he knows it, getting out of this state is hard, but at this point he doesn’t care that much.

He could take a long and burning bath too, if his ship prevented him to, he would make it frozen cold, and if she impeded that too, he would rub away imaginary filth until he bleeds. She could hide all the knives and sharp objects he would always find a way to cut his skin. Break a bone or two or many. She could trap him in the equivalent of a locker and he would still be able to bite, pinch and rub until it hurt enough.

If she really wanted to stop him, she would have to restrain him. But they both know it would only make things worse, his mind would loop into his misery, stir the memories until he becomes sick. He is not strong to take it, face it raw, not now, maybe not ever. In a way, it would be more damaging than whatever he had in mind to distract himself. The TARDIS just wish he could find something that would not cause his own suffering, but he only craves pain. He needs it as much as he deserves it. It’s only fair for him to suffer after he caused so much destruction. Nobody is going to make him pay but him now, and he hates it, he hates it so much.

The relief he gain from it is short, guilt creep out and nothing is ever enough. Nor the good he does, nor the bad he brings on himself. Only death could free him. It already did, in a way, from his past self to his present. Maybe one day, regeneration after regeneration he would forget, or at least put distance between who he was, what he had done, but it would be too kind. Nothing can truly be that way now, _kind_. Culpability sneak on every bit of happiness and peace he gets, it spread and taints everything good he touches like an infection. He knows he doesn’t deserve anything marvelous, feel it in his guts. Not him, not anymore and yet it’s vital for him, a goal at the end of each day, and the more he gain, the more it struck back on him.

After the Chula ship in London, he hadn’t slept for four days. Everybody had lived that night, it had been perfect and it only made him remember how his planet ended in fire and destruction. Good things Rose and Jack asked for some good time on in a nice and peaceful place, it had been easier to hide his trouble and tired eyes behind sunglasses as they began to know Jack a bit more. But he equally didn’t sleep after Rose met her first, and he hoped her unique and last Dalek. So many people had died that day, not just human, but the last Dalek too. One day it would be his turn and the Time-Lord would be extinct for good, like many species before them and like so many after. Miserable and tumultuous day like this just served to open his wound again.

Either way he doesn’t win, can’t ever win.

« Come on, it’s fine. » He finally says with a softer voice as his hand slide against her wall in a comforting gesture. « Everything is fine. » He continues to walk, avoiding any room she is offering him, anything that could potentially distract him. « I know you hate it, but just let me have this my way. »

  
As he turn past a corridor, he finds himself in the console room again. He feels dreadful.

Yes, he could still leave, join the other, have a meal, have a laugh, have company. His hand reach for his arm absently, searching for the scars he had left there before. His mind start to spin. Rose had left her jacket on one of the coral and it only makes his torment fiercer.

_Look at you, fantasizing about what you could do to yourself when they are here, a door away, waiting for you. You’re pathetic and you don’t deserve them, what would they think of you if they knew ? What would Rose think ? You think she would stay ? Come on._

_Come on !_

_Come ON !_

_Just a step, just a small step._

He walks in direction of the TARDIS door, it’s just a step but it’s too much. He suffocates, a pressure heavy on his chest crush him, his legs feel weak as his focus becomes blurry. He can’t do this. He doesn’t deserve their company, he doesn’t deserve happiness and knowing that, it only crush him even harder. He wants to see Rose, right now, or Jack, or a stranger, someone, anybody. Distract him, save him.

_Do something you idiot !_

He reverse to his primal instinct and run. Not toward the door but right back deeper inside the TARDIS. He can’t let anybody see him that way. On his way, he doesn’t see the light flickering on him as he passes, nor he can hear the rumble the TARDIS offer him. This time, his ship doesn’t try to divert him and guide him right to his room. He slap the door shut and crawl on the floor immediately.

_Coward ! Failure ! _

He takes a sharp breath and crack in a sob, though, no tear fall on his cheeks, he feels dry and worn out, running with the last burning sanity and courage he has. He guesses he did pretty well to cope after everything that happened after Rose then Jack joined him. But it’s not enough to shut his demons and all he needs is to take it all on himself just like he is used to since this regeneration. His hand reach for his arm again, this time to scratch it, dig his nail into his skin hardly.

« Look at you.. » He stops, jaw clenched, he tries to shut the thought, in vain. _Weak._

Anger takes him, he rush toward his bed and remove his leather jacket as fast as he can, roll his sleeves to his shoulders and watch for a second the scars already resting on his flesh, most had started to fade, but some are still a bit red, pinkish. None are fresh or healing and it just makes him feel worse. He is falling into it again.

Relapsing.

His breath comes harder and faster and he tries to remember where he had left his tools the last time, not his night table, too close, not his dresser, too unsafe, not his bathroom, too expected. It’s only when the TARDIS send him an image, the box on the shelf, that he remembers. He immediately grabs it and find inside a load of scalpels, there’s a disinfectant too but he doesn’t care as he reaches for one, unpack it as fast as he can until he can feel the first slice on his skin. He doesn’t even feel the blade. He has done it fast and hard and the cut is deep. A shiver is sent down his spine and a groan escape his lips as the pain awake and blood start to oozes outside and leak. He push his duvet cover away, kneel in a more comfortable position and let the blade sever his skin again in a long movement, never too close to the wrist, it was always better to leave it clean of cut in case his skin peered out of his clothes. He doesn’t want it to be seen and he doesn’t want comment either.

The TARDIS machinery start to vibrate in a low, distressed humming, but her Doctor doesn’t hear a thing, too caught up into the bliss of his pain, shutting his mind to everything else. It will be a long night she thinks as he cut a third time into his flesh with anger this time.

He continues. Feral. As if waiting so long before doing it again make him excessive, he doesn’t try to relish on the already made cuts, feel the pain a bit before slicing his arms again, today he just wants to make a mess, feel the prickle of every knew cut without mercy. Destroy what he is like he destroyed his planet.

Soon enough, both of his arms are covered in blood to the point he can’t really see where the cuts are anymore, it flows like rivers and drip abundantly on the sheet. His breathing comes hard and short as he suffocates under the weight of his thought.

It’s not enough.

He throws away the used scalpel, and tries to slow down his breathing. He already regrets what he did but he need more. He unties his pants, get out of it and immediately grab another scalpel.

He hesitates. The blade, ready to deeply sever his skin, shake in his hand. He takes a breath, it’s heavy on his lungs. He hates it ! He hates the pain ! He hates the destruction ! He hates what he had become !

_You ran away. You slaughtered them all and you ran away. Like a coward. You didn’t die with them, you just ran away._

_So feel it !_

The first cut on his leg is deep and long, going from the knee to the hip. A whine escape his mouth, it’s difficult to handle this time.

_Feel it !_

It digs again in his flesh cutting more and more.

_Feel It when you Run !_

He has to change his scalpel again.

_Remembers them when you run ! _

Tears start falling on his cheeks, his wet eyes can’t really focus anymore and his chin shake as he sobs.

_That’s all you deserve. The silence, the solitude, the pain._

He continues.

_You ran away, you’ve let them die, you killed them all and you ran away, so feel it ! _He repeats again, just to make sure he hears it. Just t make sure it imprints in his mind.

He cuts until the sensation of the blade on his skin makes him sick, until all he can do is thrown it away with disgust and a strong shiver.

Now he is cold and raw and exhausted. His head hurt and he can finally hear the low shadowing rumbling of his ship. She can sense him, experience what he experience, his grief, his agony and she hates it with the same force he dive in it.

The Doctor gently lies down on the damp mattress and crawl on himself, he can hear them, feels them, he remembers every second of it. The war, the death, the Daleks, the Time Lords and his decision to end it all. It was necessary. For the rest of the galaxy.

At least he hopes it was.

Maybe he should have died that day. With them.

He closes his eyes and immediately image of the war comes to him, he pushes them away, focus on his breathing, tries to slow it down. All he wants now is to shut down and he knows just the way to do it. He reaches deep down inside his mind, search for that sweet quiet point that will put him out. Induced coma. Nothing too dangerous, especially in the TARDIS where he knows he is safe. It’s more like deep sleep brought to the next level, nothing will quite be able to wake him, he won’t hear anything, nor feel anything, he is not gonna dream too, nothing but quietness for as long as he wants to.

His mind start to fall into it, it’s near, if he has half a mind to cover himself, he barely has the strength left to cover his legs. Progressively everything inside him goes to sleep, his vision, his sensation, his hearing, his feeling, his consciousness.

He falls deep asleep, inert.

***

It felt weird for Rose to sleep and wake up in her old bed, for a second, in the heat of the slumber, she wonder if all that, the blue box, the doctor, hadn’t been a dream and she needs to get up and go to work. She pushes the thought away, of course it’s not a dream. But the prospect of getting back on her old life felt like a nightmare.

Getting up gently, she checked on the TARDIS. The big blue box was still there and hadn’t moved an inch. Good. Through her breakfast she decided she would at least stay for the day with her mom but certainly not a second night. She already misses the wonder and mystery of the universe.

At the beginning of the evening, both Jack and Rose had rejoined and were wondering what they could do in the next few hours before turning back to more adventure, nothing was really comparable to the thrill of traveling in time and space, but they weren’t in a hurry.

« Did you see the Doctor ? Because I was thinking of bar where we could dance. » Jack paused. « You know.. As a way to get closer. » He smiled like a proud idiot.

« Nah, didn’t see him. » Rose shook her head before breaking into a similar big smile. « But I like your idea, you think he finished with the reparations ? »

« Even if he didn’t I’m sure we can convince him to leave them aside to have some fun with us. »

« I hope he finished them, I don’t want to pass one more night here. Anyway, let’s go find him. »

She grabbed his hand and they quickly pressed toward the TARDIS, enthusiast. As they pushed the big blue box door their joy mixed with surprise. The console room was dark, lightened only by a low, beating light toned in a reddish purple. It was far away from the warm and intimate light they were so used to. It felt like a wound or pain, an idea that was definitely supported by the low and sinister rumble of the engine.

Jack ran immediately to the center of the room.

« Something must have gone wrong with the reparation. » He tried to check what he could but found nothing, it’s not like he really knew how the TARDIS functioned or what exactly would be considered good or bad.

« We should try to find the Doctor. » Rose was already entering deeper inside the TARDIS. The ex-time agent followed her. The corridor was as dark as the console room, lightened by the same purple light. « Where should we start searching ? » She asked.

« I’m not quite sure, there must be key places where all the rest of the machinery goes, but where ? » Jack pursued while opening any door they passed to check if the Doctor was inside.

Rose did the same, her hand rested on the wall, giving a light caress as she passed from room to room.

« Come on help us. » She said with a low voice, close to a whisper but not quite. « Where is our Doctor ? »

Past a turn they met with the Doctor personal room. They shared a hesitant look. If nearly all the room inside the TARDIS were open to them, few were off-limits, the Doctor’s room was one of them. Not that he precisely told them not to enter, but he never invited them in either, it was something private that he wished to keep just to himself, it felt wrong to enter. Rose knocked though. No answer. They pursued their search.

The gloomy ambiance of the TARDIS had, by now, killed their previous enthusiasm, there was just growing worry on their mind, despite their effort, they hadn’t found the Doctor nor any clue to where he might be yet. Where was he ?

Then they encountered the Doctor’s room again. Odd. Jack immediately knocked on the door, louder than the previous time and called for him.

No answer.

« It may be nothing. »

« It can’t be just the hazard, should we peak a look inside ? » Rose asked.

They both winced. None of them wanted to cross the Doctor trust, yet, coincidence didn’t exist with the Time-Lord, if they met his room again then it was important.

« I have an idea. » Jack proposed. « We do another round, search other rooms and if we pass by this door again we enter. » Rose nodded.

« Yeah, yeah ! Let’s do that. »

  
It wasn’t long before their path leads them in front of it again.

« Ok, like we said. » Rose took a breath, hand on the handle, glancing at Jack for a last check.

She opened the door and both watched through the frame at first. The room was a deep dark at the exception of the TARDIS light, beating calmly from time to time in a soft forest green, far away from the worrying purple light they’ve seen so far. Even the rumble of the engine was different in this room than everywhere else on the ship.

During the short instant the room was lighted they could briefly see the Doctor lying on his bed. Supposedly sleeping.

They hesitated.

Rose sniffed, she didn’t quite recognize the smell though.

« He’s just sleeping. » Jack whispered.

« I know. But then, why the ship is like that ? He surely wouldn’t go to sleep if the ship was in danger, right ? »

« Yeah. »

« Maybe he has a nightmare ? You know, he has a telepathic link with the TARDIS, maybe it reflects back on the ship. »

  
Jack shrugged. It was a possibility.

« Should we still enter ? »

« I think it would be better to wake him up, just make sure everything is alright. »

  
They walked prudently toward the bed, until they were close enough to see how truly serious the situation was. They ran toward the Doctor.

« No, no, no, no, no ! Oh no ! » Jack rushed, grabbing the Doctor arms.

« Shit ! » Rose spurted. She walked on something and stopped immediately. « Light ! » She pressed. Jack lightened a small lamp. It got them enough visibility for the zone around the bed, the rest stayed in the dark. « Look on the floor. »

  
Rose picked up a scalpel, one of the unused one that had fallen from the box, but around there was some covered in blood too.

« Scalpel ? » Jack asked, she nodded in confirmation.

« He did it to himself. »

  
She quickly dropped the sharp tool, sat on the bed and rubbed the Doctor’s shoulder to wake him up gently. Jack was checking his vital, just to make sure the situation wasn’t more serious. It was not.

« Doctor ! Doctor ! » She said softly but concern weighted on her voice, seeing he wasn’t waking, she shook him a bit harder. « Come on Doctor, wake up. »

« You think that’s a good idea to wake him up ? »

« And what do you want to do ? Leave him in a pool of blood ? »

« No, of course not, but I think he wouldn’t like waking right now, in this chaos, seeing that we know. »

« Yeah but if we patch him up, because there’s no way I leave him like that, he will see it, he will know that we know anyway, so better wake him up. » She shook him even harder. « Doctor ! » Her voice had raised again. « Please wake up. »

  
The Doctor had no reaction.

Jack focus was caught by the moving cover, it barely covered the Doctor’s hips and in the movement he peaked more than just a few blood spots. He didn’t see much but enough for him to get blank.

« Wait, wait ! » He pressed Rose to stop and pulled away the cover, revealing an even more gruesome scene. The blood had dried, like on his arms, but some cut were still wet and oozing, it had been deep and violent.

« Oh what did you do ? Why ? »

  
Panic rushed over Rose and she shook the Doctor harder to wake him up trying to retain tears.

« Doctor ! Doctor ! Please wake up. »

  
Jack joined her in her attempt to rouse him up but their efforts were in vain. The Doctor stayed stubbornly asleep, he didn’t even flinch or stir which was not normal, it could have been thought, Time Lord biology didn’t have to be the same as Human but the Doctor was tense, his muscles contracted despite how lax his limbs were. His face didn’t send peacefulness either, he frowned, jaw clench, his whole body sent hardness and resistance.

« Please wake up, it’s all fine. » She whispered to him, now stroking his temple gently in a reassuring gesture. « What happened to you ? »

« Keep trying to wake him up, I will go to the infirmary, search what we need. » She nodded as he trotted outside.

She felt guilty, she had been having fun and rest, while he had been struggling alone. They should have been there, she should have been. She should have pushed more, be sure he didn’t stay by himself.

« I’m sorry. »

  
She already knew he wasn’t as mentally or emotionally stable as one could be, he had deep wound that wouldn’t heal soon, if not ever and she has seen just the surface of it. A glimpse at best. The Doctor was damaged, but he fought it, he fought his darkness. Every day, with smiles, and laugh and happiness and good. It had been enough for her to lower her guard, not to notice the struggle behind. He had just made enough effort to hide it and maybe she had been a bit too careful at not invading his privacy and past.

Maybe she should have gotten a bit more involved.

When Jack returned with a box in his arms, she was gently stroking his hand.

« Any luck ? » She shook her head as he walked to the bed. « The ship is still in distress, I think she doesn’t have any success either at waking him up. » He sat on the bed too and sighed. « He could have called us. »

« Maybe he didn’t think we would understand. »

« We would have.. We do. » He corrected. « Or at least if not the depth of it, enough to give a hand. »

  
She pressed her lips together and grabbed a sterile compress.

« Maybe he does not trust us. » He said.

« I think he just wanted to be alone, protect us, keep it fine. But it’s not if he suffers alone. » She paused, her mind drifting a bit before reconnecting with the reality. « Anyway if we want to clean his wound we need more light. » She decided with firmness in her voice.

With clear, brighter light, the room revealed better to them, it’s not quite what they would have expected, it’s not like it wasn’t comfortable, but the furniture were mostly efficient and modest, not bland but not particularly outstanding. The color theme was similar to the console room, with this faded yellow-brownish and some green tone, the ceiling was curved, following the rough corals and one of the branches passed above the bed, the floor was part wood part metal. In a way, it felt like a return to root and simplicity.

« Water, we need water ! » Rose said, walking toward the bathroom to come back with a basin and few clean clothes to see Jack stripping the Doctor from his shirt. « You’re sure about that ? »

« There’s blood on it and it’s the same he was wearing when we left, better to give him a fresh one. »

  
Which left the Doctor naked at the exception of his undergarment.

« I would lie if I said I hadn’t dreamt of stripping him off his clothes, but I wish it had been in another context. » She snorted at his words. They’ve been thinking the same. It was difficult to get closer to the Doctor, for both of them. He kept distance even if his affection for them was obvious, maybe they’d just found one of his reasons.

Jack fingers drawn on his flank where more scars were laying. It was not a new thing. How many times had the doctor found himself in this kind of situation ? Some were burning scar, some were cut, and he was pretty sure he couldn’t see all the harm that had been done. He had seen many ways for people to hurt themselves, many that didn’t leave scars, what they saw could be just a glimpse.

He was called back from his thought when he heard drops fall on the floor as Rose wrung the damp cloth to remove the excess of water before pressing it on the Doctor arms to gently rub away the blood. Dry blood was not easy to remove it would take long, so he followed her move and started cleaning his legs.

The room was silent for a moment at the exception on the TARDIS rumble and the water getting disturbed. Dirty clothes accumulated on the floor, it was a long and delicate process and during the whole time the Doctor didn’t react, didn’t wake up, didn’t move, nothing.

« I shouldn’t have left him alone. » She started.

« You couldn’t have known. » Jack said quickly.

« But I could have actually. » She paused. « I guess I didn’t pay attention enough. He has lost so much, he is so alone and sometimes I wonder if we even make it bearable for him. »

« Better than him being all alone. »

« ‘Suppose. »

They continued to work on his wounds, cleaning them, closing as many as they could with a dermal repairer, bandaging the rest, until every single cut was covered by the protecting cloth.

« We should change the sheet. » Rose said watching the damp mess on the bed.

« I was thinking the same. »

Jack slid his arms under the Doctor back and legs until he could lift him in his arms. He was heavy, just like a corpse would have been, inert, but not enough to be that much of a problem for the ex-time agent. His head fell backward and Jack gave a little push so it could rest on his chest instead. Rose pressed around to change the sheets to something clean and fresh, she had to turn the mattress though, in order to have a truly dry place.

As soon as he could Jack laid the Doctor back on the bed, he was still so deep asleep, dormant, it was a bit disturbing.

« He is pretty thin. » Jack suddenly said. Rose, still changing the rest of the sheet looked at him, slightly surprised.

« What ? »

« No, I mean you don’t always feel it with his jacket. It’s a thick one so I didn’t realize he was this thin actually. »

  
Now that Rose paid attention to it she had to admit it was true, not that the Doctor was all bones, but he could probably go with eating a bit more. She decided she would make sure he ate enough, from now on, just in case, or at least, that he didn’t skip any meal.

She turned to Jack who was now searching in the Doctor’s dresser.

« What’ you doing ? »

« He is cold. Better to dress him up with something comfortable and warm. »

« It’s not gonna be easy. » He snorted at her words.

And indeed, it was not so easy, the Doctor was not a toddler easy to handle, but with the two of them, they managed to get him all set and ready. Again, despite being handled like a doll, the Doctor did not wake up. Rose threw the cover back on him and nearly hide him fully. It was a softer and more pleasant sight. They laughed, dropping a bit of their own tension in the air. Rose sat on the bed while Jack was cleaning the rest of the room, the basin, the box with scalpels, the bloodied cloths.

« I don’t really want to leave him alone just now. »

« The bed is big enough for the three of us, you know. » Jack smiled.

« Not sure he will like it. »

« Does he have the choice ? I don’t want to leave him alone too and I’m not so interested for a bar or dancing anymore. »

« Me neither. » She paused until she had enough courage to stand up. « Alright then, I’m going to change, call me immediately if he wakes up. »

« Of course. »

  
Once in her room, Rose let out a long breath. The heaviness of the situation settling down a bit. She washed her face with cold water, and tried a smile in the mirror. It was not a very happy one. Someone knocked at her door, channeling her focus somewhere else.

« He woke up ? » She screamed to be sure Jack could hear her.

« No, but I was thinking we could do with something to eat or drink. Do you want something ? »

  
She thought a moment, it’s true she was a bit hungry, she felt somewhat sick too, but she wouldn’t say no to food.

« I let you choose. » She answered after a moment.

« Alright. »

  
She searched in her dresser one of her favorite loose shirts, it was comfy and soft, she chooses her preferred pajama pants and a pair of fluffy socks she would definitely lose in bed at some point.

While changing she wondered how the Doctor would react when he would wake up and see them at his side. Maybe he would be angry, maybe it would be awkward, it would definitely not be happy.

She rejoined Jack in the kitchen. The TARDIS had rearranged herself so the Doctor’s room faced the kitchen, both doors were fully open so they could have a full view on the Time-Lord at all time.

« Smell like beans ? » She said while entering.

« And Cornish pasties, give it ten maybe fifteen minutes more and it’s ready. »

« Good. »

  
She seized the tea pot and placed it on the fire then toasted some bread. They ate in silence for a moment, enjoying the warm meal.

Once they finished, they joined the Doctor room and slid under the cover. It wouldn’t be the first time they all fell asleep together. There was this time on Corega, after a nice picnic, they’ve laid down on the blanket and all fell asleep to the song of a frog-like species. It had been beautiful and calming enough for them to take a nap in the wilderness. So it was not the first time they slept together, but right now, in a bed, it felt far more intimate.

The room wasn’t particularly cold but the Doctor was so Jack covered him with another blanket. But

with one of them at each of his side, they would certainly keep him warm.

***

When he woke up, the Doctor felt dizzy and disoriented, he could barely feel his own body outside of his hammering head. The first thing he noticed, after a moment, was the beating light of the TARDIS, going from pitch darkness to a low-green glow similar to her console. It was peaceful and quiet, made to calm his troubled mind, to soothe his heartbeats in the night. He barely managed to open his eyes and it took him long minutes before he could keep them open for more than two seconds. He still felt barely conscious and sleepy.

How long had he been comatose ? Was the only thought he could manage as he forced his brain to wakefulness. Just making the effort was exhausting.

The next thing he recovered was his hearing, he was too overwhelmed to hear more than the soft humming of his ship, she sang for him, to appease him but also to guide him out of his forced sleep. And again, for long minutes it was the only thing he could hear, not even his attempt to move his body made a sound, or well, if it made a sound, he didn’t process it.

He closed his eyes back to enjoy the warms around him as he reconnected with his sensations step by step. First sight, then earing, then touch. The last one was the most confusing at first, he didn’t quite recognize the extent and limit of his body and it took him a moment to understand he was not alone, that the warm flesh at his side, were not out of place extension of his own body but belonged to someone else.

He opened his eyes with difficulty, something was touching his hand. Despite the low, intermittent light he focused on what was in front of him until he realized it was Rose, asleep at his side, holding his hand in her hand.

_What ?_

He focused all his attention on her, trying to make sense of the situation despite his mind still struggling to form complex thought. Her breathing was calm and undisturbed.

_What is she doing here ?_

The question held in his mind until he remembered what he had done earlier. His body painfully tensed, it was too soon for that yet but dread had all the power over him right now. Similar to a slap in the face, he sensed more against his back. Another body. Jack. To the rhythm of his chest rising, he knew he was sleeping too. He forced his eyes shut and tried to calm a bit. He was in no state to start panicking.

_What are they doing here ?_ But more importantly. _Did they see ?_

His effort was in vain and his hearts started beating faster. _Of course they saw._

He forced himself on his arms to have a better view around, the effort made him groan, his body was heavy and his only wish was to fall back on his pillow. First thing he saw though was the grey pajama pants he wore, he didn’t put any on before falling asleep, he is sure of that. Then he noticed the sheets covering the mattress were clean too and he knows he had bled abundantly on it, he didn’t clean anything, which brought his attention to his arms. He wore one of his favorite green shirts and as he pushed the long sleeve away he saw bandages around his wounds, white and clean.

Yes, they saw everything. He had been deep asleep, vulnerable, fleeing far away from his mind, but he didn’t think they would have dared to come into his room. It was his. He was supposed to be safe and unseen here.

His respiration became heavier as he wriggled to get away from the cover despite how difficult it was with his still sleep driven body. He needed to run away, hide somewhere else to think, find a plan, an excuse, anything.

He can’t believe they saw, it’s the worst thing that could have happened.

He was stopped when a strong arm seized him by the chest and gently pushed him back on the bed. He surprisingly gave up easily and his body froze in an unnecessary attempt to make it like nothing happened. Which was pointless, he felts Jack moves on his back, Rose was still asleep and unbothered, which was good, it was already too much to deal for him.

« It’s fine. » Jack whispers. He laid a kiss on the back of his neck and the contact made the Doctor blench. A small pitiful whine escaped his lips and a sob followed it. He hates it. « It’s fine, everything is fine. » Jack repeated calmly, without judgment in his voice. His arm passed on his flank and he reached to grab his hand, intertwined their fingers before pressing their hands against the Doctor chest.

The Doctor was tense and almost resisted the soft contact. It made him sick, this softness, he doesn’t deserve it. Rose in front of him is beautiful as always and he doesn’t get why she didn’t leave after seeing _that_. It’s too much to handle now, he takes a shaky breath and Jack tries to catch his attention by squeezing his hand.

« It’s okay ! It’s all okay ! » He talk slowly, doesn’t rush his words. « You don’t have to worry for anything. You don’t have to explain, or to apologize. » He marks a pause. « You don’t have to talk about it at all, only if you want to. Don’t worry, it’s all okay. » He kisses his neck again and the Doctor flee the touch. It feels good, it’s calming, but it’s too much. Nobody had touched him there yet. His body is still new to many types of touch, like this one. Jack doesn’t try to kiss him again and instead cover them back with the duvet cover. Immersing them in the warms and comfort of it. He wants to fight away, flee, but now he can’t, even if Jack would let him go he is not even sure he could walk yet. He would probably fall, incapable of supporting his own weight yet.

Instead he tried to canalize his need to flee toward his pain. But the one in his legs is muffled, it should be way more painful, he knows how deep he had cut, yet, it’s not really that terrible, which is a shame, he hoped to hold onto his pain to focus and calm, he can’t really.

The ex-time Agent stay pressed against him though, relaxing in the embrace, ready to let go if the Doctor wants. But he doesn’t, instead he hold his hand tightly, unwilling now to let go, he even press his hand a bit too hardly. Jack doesn’t mind much though.

He is tense and he is pretty sure Jack can feel it, he tries to keep his tears silent but he finishes to sob quietly. Jack only response is to press closer against him.

He wishes they were away, he wishes he was alone, yet he can’t help but feel grateful not to be. He doesn’t deserve them, he doesn’t deserve any of them.

« Ssshhh. » Jack says to calm him. « Are you in pain ? Do you want anything ? »

  
He shakes his head and burst into a louder sob, he presses his lips shut, he needs to hold it, push it back but he fails, tears fall big on his cheeks and his body start shaking. Even when Jack rubs his back to calm him it doesn’t help, it should have worked, but if anything, it makes him break even more.

He doesn’t deserve all that, does he ? After what he did in the Time-War. No one could deserve friendship and care after that. He just deserves misery and pain, but it feels so good to not be alone. Another whine escapes him, louder this time and he immediately claps his mouth with his hand, hard, but it’s too late, Rose is stirring in her sleep and she groans a bit as she wakes up. He hoped it wouldn’t have come to that. She quickly catch up the situation despite how hard the Doctor tries to hold everything back.

« Doctor. » She says, so gently, so lovingly.

It’s too much, he gets even more tense and Jack hold him tightly trying to comfort him by stroking his chest, he hides in his hands and tries to control his shaking body, even swallowing his saliva is hard. Two hands grab his wrist and try to push them down, he resists but give up when Rose insists, he opens his eyes to see her, apologizing silently. His chin shake, he wouldn’t be able to talk without bursting another loud sob before.

It’s a breaking sight in the low light, for Rose, and all she wants is for it to go away. She is calm as she gently caresses his temple and comes closer until she can kiss it, the touch is soft and he almost flees it.

« It’s fine. » She whispers as she cups his face with her hands.

Small kisses follow between whispers, on his cheekbone, his forehead, his cheeks. Her fingers rub away some tears.

« Did you think we would leave ? »

He presses his eyes together and nod as bigger tears fell on his cheeks. She wipes them too as a small giggle escapes her lips.

« You silly. » She says gently, a smile in her voice.

She pushes her lips on his. The kiss is chaste, there is nothing directly romantic in it. It’s not made to be one, but it’s sweet and full of affection, something to reassure and to calm. The Doctor attempt a smile, it might just have been the corner of his mouth raising, but it is progress nonetheless.

He curls a bit closer to Jack, who immediately answer by pulling him closer in a tighter embrace, Rose snuggle closer to them. The Doctor’s body is still tense, near shaking but for a second, from time to time, he relaxes, a bit longer each time. Caresses and Kisses overwhelm his thought, his body. Pushing peacefulness on him and erasing whatever he felt before, replacing anxiety, fear and pain with love and comfort. Until it’s the only thing he can think and feels.

He gets lost in their care, he knows he doesn’t deserve any of that, yet who he is to tell them to stop, right ?

He closes his eyes back, listening to the soft word they whisper to him until he can relax enough.

When he opens his eyes again Rose is smiling. All he wants is to hug her now, and he does and she doesn’t part away, even when he continues to sob, even when sleep takes him once again.

They all fell back asleep.

Tomorrow will be kinder.

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> :) Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> I almost rated it as M, if you think the rating T is too low, tell me.
> 
> PS : I know the doctor doesn’t have any scar in the ep ‘Dalek’ but I do what I want ^^ #FuckTheCanon


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